Ramblings

I think people find it weird that I've never been in a relationship. I think they find it odd or maybe scary that I've never had a first kiss or anyone to hold my hand. I wonder if they think I'm psycho or I have deep issues that need to be addressed. However, I think, I don't care.

I am not in a relationship because honestly, I am scared to be heartbroken. I don't want to find myself crying for someone that I know will not cry for me. I'm scared that I am going to yearn for his hand and one day lose it. I'm scared that I would have to hold on to memories of him and that they will slowly creep back on sad moments. I know it's so selfish of me to think of nothing but myself- but I also feel like I am saving him from a relationship that will end even before it started. I am not an expressive person. I don't know how to react when someone likes me-or maybe I do. I run away. I get awkward when someone does nice things for me. I don't know why or how this all happened but generally, I am a horrible person to be with.

But hey, sometimes I tell myself that the right person will come along and will love for who I am and the same goes for him. I will like him, love him and everything will just fall into place.

So to you, whoever you are, if I do choose to love you, you are one special boy.

Gulp

Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes, take it all in; every heartache, every success, every failure...absolutely everything and well, cry.

You're always the one walking tall, hair kept at a neat place, things in order but inside, you're one giant mess. Your mess is a secret you have endlessly been trying to keep; like a closet you forcefully want to remain shut. 

Why won't you let someone in? Probably lessen that salt water you've been trying to hold. You do know it's okay right? People actually swim in salt water. Warm or cold. They are not afraid of what is in it. In fact, they yearn to find out. 

Sometimes, you just have to close your eyes, take it all in; every heartache, every success, every failure...absolutely everything and well, cry. 

Someone will be there to listen, to discover and to understand everything you've been keeping in that giant mess of yours floating within that sea inside of you.

Sitting, Waiting and Wishing

It's 3: 53 am. I’m not entirely sure why I’m here. Looking at you, with your messy hair, half-shaved, wearing your green button down shirt with those hideous almost skinny pants, and those shoes…maroon shoes that any working man would love to have. 

You told me to stay close, I had no idea why I said yes. Here I am, stupidly watching you slowly give in to your dreams while you gently breathe out memories of hours ago- hours the seem like years to me. I still can’t believe you made me take that shot. I absolutely hated it but your words, your way of convincing me, I loved the way you’d pull me close, convince me to do it for you. “Take one, for me?” Your brown eyes, that perfect smile, that sweet scent fighting the strength of each drink you took, as you drew closer, I was completely reeled in. I thought I would be in your position. I wished for it.

My legs are numb, I am at a daze. Sleep was slowly creeping up on me accompanied with the piercing touch of cold air when you suddenly held my hand and looked at me. I nervously looked at you, swept your messy hair and held on to your hand tighter; I couldn’t wait for your lips to touch mine.

But then, in what could have been an incredible moment, you said her name. Her name, not mine.